Manchester, England...

Manchester, England

So far away

But today I can reach out and feel your pain

Mothers and fathers screaming for their children

Ripped from their arms forever

Senseless

Cruelty

Barbaric

Evil laughing in the streets over our grief

I am broken, Lord, God

Did You see what they did to my baby?

Were You there?

I can't feel You, right now.

There are no words for the depth of my heartache

No words

Please bring her back to me

Where is she now?

Do You know?

Do You have her?

Is she scared?

Is she crying for me?

Do You know how to love her like I do?

Why did You take her from me?

Why?

All of the innocent lives that have been stolen

All of the children who have been changed forever

What is happening to our world?

I don't understand

I hate all of this

Are You anywhere in all of this?

Are You still alive?

Are You still God?

Yes, meet me here, Oh, God

or

I will surely die...

Without You, Lord

I cannot go on

I cannot take another step

My life is seeping out 

I so need You, Lord

I need you to give me hope...

Broken

Desperate

Never the same

I will cling to You

My Life

My Only Hope

Cracked Wide Open...

"...All Your waves and billows have gone over me."
Psalm 42: 7
NKJV

 

(This is a re-write of Psalm 42, in the language of my heart...)

Like the parched earth cracks and breaks wide open to gulp down the spring rains, so am I broken and dying for even a drop of You...

Where are You?  I can’t find You anymore.

Nothing satisfies my thirst.  I eat and drink my tears day and night.

I hear the mocking of my enemies, laughing and dancing a victory dance over me.  “Where is He, now?!  Where is He hiding?!”

My heart breaks when I remember You.  I remember when we were close and I celebrated in Your house, with those who knew Your name.  I remember how we danced and sang Your praises late into the night.  What happened to all that?  I thought it would never end.  I don’t understand why it did…

What’s wrong with me?  I have to stop all this crazy thinking.  Now is the time to trust You, right in the middle of all this madness.  I just need to see You next to me once more…

Oh, God, I cannot stop the noise inside of me that is washing over me like a river of darkness.  Where are You?  Why have you left me all alone with my enemies surrounding me?

Oh, God, I’m going under! Grab hold of me before they bury me forever in a grave marked "Despair".

Somewhere, I have a memory of You loving me.  Didn’t You care for me tenderly? Don’t I remember You singing a love song over me, day and night?

Yes, I’m sure of it now.  I remember You, Oh, Lord.  You have been like a safe house to me - the place I run to when the maniac storm chases after me and murders everything it touches... 

But, why don’t You remember me?  Am I nothing to You, now?

If I matter to You, why have you left me alone with them?  Do You see them circling around me like a pack of wild dogs, barking at me constantly their vicious taunts?  They have torn me to pieces and gnaw on my broken bones.

I cannot shut them out.  Can’t you hear them laughing at me - mocking me?  “Where is your precious God, now, you fool?  You are all alone…”

Even so, I cannot forget Your touch; the joy of knowing You…

Is that You invading this darkness?  Is that You I see in the distance?

Is that Hope I feel stirring in my heart?

Is that You drawing me, claiming me, pulling me back to You?

Is that Your voice I hear stilling the jeers of my enemy?

There really isn’t much I know for sure, but, this much I have learned.  I would be a fool, indeed, to ignore a God like You.

You, and You alone, are the only God I have and the One I will praise forever…

 

 

 

 

Can't Even Get Out of Bed...

"The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
 because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor.
 He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to set the captives free..."
Luke 4:18
NKJV

Thinking about the people who really need the Lord today.  The one's who didn't make it to church this morning.  Some of them are card carrying members of the local church.  And some of them never stepped foot in a church building before.  They are more than the sum total of what others may say about them or think about them.  They are frail and fragile, often beyond our reach. For them, the bottom has fallen out.  They need God in a way that cannot be described.  If you haven't been there, you probably can't relate.  But, if you have, you know exactly what I am talking about. 

I am not talking about a people who get up on a Sunday morning and fit God into their schedule because it's expected, because they are church members or members of the deacon board, or, even a Sunday School teacher or a pastor who stayed up late preparing his weekly sermon.  I'm not talking about the kids who go to church because their parents dragged them there, or the husband who "plays the role" of the spiritual head of the family or the wife who begrudgingly tags along with the husband who wants her there. 

No, I'm not talking about any of them. 

I'm thinking of the one who drank herself to sleep last night to drown out the voice of despair that she couldn't turn off in her head. 

I'm thinking of the one who graduated from college three years ago and wants to give it all up because there isn't a job to be found, even for a college graduate. 

I'm thinking of the young husband who got married in a whirlwind of excitement and promise, whose wife strutted out the front door yesterday with his babies in her arms, to live with the boyfriend she has been having an affair with. 

I'm thinking of the young college girl who bought into all the hype that sex, in any form, at any time, with anyone, is her right and privilege.  I'm picturing her broken and weeping all alone in her room now that she has exercised her "right to choose" and killed the baby she wanted to carry but couldn't find a way. 

I'm picturing the 70-year-old grandfather, lying on his death bed all alone in an "independent living" home, where he found refuge and where none of his children or grandchildren or siblings or friends ever bothered to visit him. 

I'm picturing the young soldier, dying on a battlefield in a war that nobody wants to acknowledge and everyone pretends isn't happening. 

I'm picturing the little five-year-old girl, looking up into the eyes of the father she trusts, just before he raped and murdered her mercilessly. 

I'm picturing the babies, born fully formed and beautiful from the hand of God, dying on the abortion clinic floor after the doctor that delivered them cut their spinal chord with a pair of scissors to "get rid of them".

So many people, young and old, dying natural and unnatural deaths all around us.  My heart cries out for them.  I know that is the heart of God crying within me for each one. 

People need the Lord.  Not an empty religious ritual where we gather together on Sunday and get Him out of the way just before we go to Sunday brunch.  But, a desperate, "sell everything you have" to get to Him need for the Only God who matters. 

Forgive me if I have no patience with empty rituals that don't bring us to the throne of God.  To me, they are a waste of time and a mockery of God.  He said He came to "set the captive free."  That's me and that's you...

He came for the sick, the dying, the desperate.  What are we doing settling for anything less...?

He Touched Me...

A Jesus story, retold...

I'm not feeling well today.  Nothing unusual there.  I've been sick for longer than I can remember now.  I suppose people just think I'm used to it.  But, I'll never get used to it. 

I hate everything about it.  I can't really go anywhere - people avoid me when they see me coming.  Nobody wants to be around me,  I see them whispering behind my back.  I see them telling their kids to stay away from me.  I see the pity in their eyes.  For some its more like hatred.  They hate being reminded that this could happen to them...

I can't remember what it feels like to have hope.  What does that even mean to someone like me?  I remember, in the beginning, I was full of hope.  I was sure I would go to the doctor and he would give me something to heal me and that would be that. The first one I went to gave me some medicine that he said would fix my problem.  It only made it worse.  The second guy had a new experimental thing he wanted to try.  It didn't work.  And then the third doctor, and the fourth - really, I've lost count.  All of them said they could help me.  I believed them.  Now I think what a fool I was.  They were just taking my money.  I wonder - were they all laughing at me too?

I'm not permitted to go out in public and be around the people.  I stay by myself most of the time.  It's extremely lonely.  Sometimes I think I'd be better off - well you know.  It's hard not to give up sometimes.  Anyway, when I do have to go out, I always go after dark.  I wear a lot of clothes and hide my face to keep from being noticed.  I just can't handle the shame of everybody making fun of me and pushing me away.  I'm considered "unclean" - dirty.  They've called me that for so long that even I think of myself that way.  I feel so dirty.

The thing is, yesterday, I overheard them talking about some new healer.  I've heard so much about how amazing He is.  They say He can heal anyone.  I know what you're thinking.  He can't possibly heal someone like me.  Why would He even care?  How would I get there?  The crowds will be huge around Him.  I don't have the nerve to just ask Him to heal me.  Who am I that He would take pity on me?  But, oh, how much I wish I could just get close enough to touch Him.  Maybe that would be enough.  Just a little touch might make all the difference for me.  I have to try.  It's my last chance.  I believe if I can just get to Him, I'll be healed.  He is different.  There's just something different about this Jesus.

I have to risk it.  I'll just sneak in and sneak out.  Nobody will notice me.  I'm just a nobody in a crowd of important people who will demand the Healer's attention.  I am so desperate.  I have to try...

I'm so scared.  The crowd is so massive.  They're all pushing and shoving.  I fell several times.  I don't feel well at all.  Maybe I shouldn't have come.  But, there He is!  He's so close to me now, if I can just push my way through... My pain is throbbing now - maybe I should turn back.  No.  Nobody has noticed me yet.  I have to just push toward Him - I have to touch Him.  If He only knew how desperately I need Him...

Wait - wait - He's here!  I just reached Him.  I just stretched out my arm and touched the hem of his garment.  He was looking the other way, so He didn't see me!  But, suddenly, everything has changed.  I'm healed, I know it!  I felt something go through me the moment I touched the Master.

Oh, yes - that's what I call Him now. He is the Master of everything to me!  I felt strength flow into my body as if I was young again!  I'm just going to run home - yes, RUN!  I have to get out of here before anyone notices me - they would hate me for breaking the rules and coming into the crowd and...

Oh, no.  He's looking for me.  He said he felt someone touch Him.  He wants to know who it was.  What can I do?  I'm terrified.  I'm so ashamed of - of me.  I shouldn't have done it.  I broke all the rules to get to Him.  I have to go to Him.  It's too late now.  He knows it was me...

I'm sorry Jesus, I start to say - it was me.  He sees me.  He knows it was me.  I am just so scared, I'm shaking.  Can I please just go away and hide like I always do? They're all looking at me now.  They know it's me.  It's too late...

But, wait - what's happening?  He's lifting my head to look in His eyes. His eyes are so beautiful.  They are actually looking on me with love.  I haven't seen that look in so long.  Can it be true that He not only healed me, but He loves me? Why would He love me?  I don't understand a love like this.

He only just met me and yet He seems to know me.   He's looking at me as though He sees right through me.  He sees it all.  All the hurt, all the suffering, all the loneliness, all the shame.  He took it all from me today.  He gave me back my body.  But, more than that, He gave me back myself.  He cleaned away every last speck of sickness and shame that has kept me prisoner all of these years!  I have met my Healer!  I have met my Savior!  I have met my God!

Maybe you're wondering - was it worth it? All the years of pain and suffering for this? I can't explain it to you, but, yes, a thousand times, yes. If it hadn't been for all that, I never would have taken the risk to seek Him. I actually believe He was just waiting for me to come after Him!

Funny.  I hated my illness all these years. But that's the very thing He used  to help me find Him! I thought I was going to touch Him.  But, no. He touched me.  He didn't care that I was 'unclean'. He didn't hesitate to touch me. He saw me and it was OK - I didn't have to hide from Him.  He even called me 'Daughter'! 

 

He bent down and pulled me up and pressed my face close to His heart. I felt the embrace of love unspeakable and full of mercy. 

 

He touched me.  And I will never be the same.

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Scripture Reference: Luke 8: 43-48   The Message

"...Jesus said, 'Daughter, you took a risk trusting me and now you are healed and whole..."