Lord, Give Me...

the heart of the Father...

Let me tell you something, if you don't already know it - that old man is crazy.  I mean a stark raving lunatic, no doubt about it.  He wants me to learn all about his god and follow all his lame teaching and obey what he tells me, and, well, you get the idea.  If he thinks I'm going to sit around and let my bones decay on the ole' homestead, he had better get a grip.  The sooner I escape this lunatic farm, the better off I'll be.  Yea, yea, I know, I'm supposed to wait until he's dead to get the goods.  He's such a soft touch, I know exactly how to play him.  After all, I'm the youngest - kinda the apple of his eye, if you know what I mean!  I know just the words to use and just the tone, just the youthful, innocent pretense he always falls for.  He doesn't have a clue!

Well, it was just like I said it would be.  The guy's a sucker, that's for sure.  I played the game, pretty much told him I wanted the cash, like NOW, and boom, just like that, he gave it to me.  Big brother isn't too happy and the whole town is laughing at Pops, but, who cares - I got what I wanted and that's all that matters.  I'm out of here now.  Who needs this place, the ole' man, or the god they worship.  Good riddance, is all I can say.

I wanted to break loose, to get as far away from this nightmare as I could.  I mean all the restrictions they put on me - it was as if I was some kind of fool who couldn't run my own life!  This new place is the best thing that ever happened to me.  I have friends that really care about me.  They invite me to all the parties, they drink with me, they drug with me, they sleep with me - they love me!  It's so great being free to be me!  I always dreamed life could be like this!  It's what I was made for!  That's right - God made me to be the way I am, so, I'm not apologizing to anybody.  This is the real me.  You don't like it, blame God.  He made me this way.

Oh, man, I'm out of cash!  I told some of my buddies and I haven't seen any of them in weeks.  It's as if they were just hanging around me for what they could get...  I was hoping some of them would pay me back for all the times I coughed up for the bill on the drinks and the chow.  Man, I'm in shock.  I thought they were my friends.  I mean I can't even afford a place to stay now.  I'm living on the street.  It isn't even safe out here.  This place is downright dangerous...

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"But, when he had spent all, he began to be in want..."
Luke 15: 14


Good grief, I can't even believe where I'm at right now.  I need to stay calm and just get a job - this is just a temporary setback - I'm fine - I mean I always land on my feet!  I'm the one who always wins!  I play by my own rules and that's the way I like it.  For now, I'll get a job until the money starts rolling in again - then I'll be fine!  You'll see!  This is me we're talking about!

Well, things didn't exactly work out the way I planned.  Listen to me!  I don't plan!  Life just happens and its all good - right?  Uh, maybe not always good.  This has only gone from bad to worse.  Turns out, for all of my smarts, I somehow don't have the skills to get a decent paying job.  Nobody appreciates me for me anymore!  They need to remember whose kid I am!  Back home, I'm my father's kid - that makes me important, just by itself!

Anyway I took the only job I could find cleaning out the poop from the pigs house - you would not believe the filth I am living in right now.  I know I can't believe it.  It feels like I can't get any lower.  I am so hungry, I fight the pigs to eat their slop.  Nobody ever comes by to check on me.  I'm filthy dirty, I smell like the pigs, I sleep with the pigs, I live like the pigs.  I can't take much more.  God, how did I get here and how do I get out?


"and he would gladly have filled his stomach with the pods that the swine ate,
but no-one gave him anything..."
Luke 15: 16

God.  I haven't really thought of you in years.  I do remember hearing about you though.  My family told me about you.  Guess I've really been my own god for quite awhile...

Well, it's over for me.  I have to go back to my father's house.  I wouldn't blame him if he refused to take me in.  I mean, look at what I did with all he gave me.  Look how I squandered his blessing.  Look how I mocked him, even to his face.  He can't love me anymore.  He can't.  Even he isn't that much of a fool.  I have so messed up my life.  I flat out rejected everything he told me.  I rejected him.  I can't make that up to him.  But, I need him now, like I have never needed him before.  I'm going to go back.  I hope I can make it.  I am so weak, this has taken everything out of me.  With the last ounce of energy I have, I will go back.  I will beg him to forgive me.  If he will just let me be one of his servants, that would be so much better than this.  At least I would have some shelter and food.  I can't go on like this. I will be dead before long.

I don't know if I can do this.  It is so humiliating.  I am not even sure he will know me.  He has probably disowned me by now.  He might not even let me on his property.  The servants are all going to be laughing at me.  My brother will say it serves me right - and, that's really true - it does.  I wouldn't blame any of them, but, especially my father, if he never spoke to me again.  I am so sorry for what I have put him through.  I have been such a fool...

Wait - who is that man running so hard down the road to get to me?  Does he mean to kill me? Rob me - I have nothing to give him anyway.  Oh, no.  I don't believe what I am seeing.  It is my father.  My father whom I have hated and rejected.  My father, my father, my father... Oh, how I love my father...


"But, when he was still a great way off,
the father saw him and had compassion
and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him..."Luke 15: 20


He has blown me away with his love for me.  He told the servants to get me some new clothes, and put a beautiful ring on my finger that is a gift from him to me - his prodigal child!  He never stopped loving me.  He said he searched for me every day, hoping against hope that I would come back to him.  He never gave up.  He loves me, even in my great sin against him.  I will never get over what he did for me.  He never gave up on me.  He rescued me when I was close to death.
He threw a party to welcome me home.
Nobody ever loved me like my father.
Nobody...


"...for this my son was dead and is alive again;
he was lost and is found.
And they began to make merry...
Luke 15: 24

 

70 x 7

The Impossible Commands of Jesus...


Te adora semper et semper
Is not love forever and ever?
My heart never thinks of you
 That the scars don't rip open and bleed anew.

I have hated you so long,
I have forgotten
Once upon a time
 You were my favorite love song.

You were my heart beat, my laughter,
 my love, my happy-ever-after.
I painted my heart upon my sleeve
And never imagined you would leave.

But something I will never understand
Tore the bottom from all we planned.
Love turned to hate, and hate to death.
The death of a love we said was forever.
Te adora semper et semper...

I have hated you,
I have loved you,
I have wished you the worst
And prayed for the best.

It hurts to remember all that we lost
The beauty, the love, the years it has cost.
To hold onto my anger
and give into my heart.

Where does love go when lovers do part?
It's buried down deep
Beneath all the pain
Never to speak of or remember again.

But I hear a voice whispering to me
Let me show you the Way
To open the door
To set your heart free.

Forgive him, forgive him, forgive him again.
Seventy times seven is just to begin.
That's impossible I argue,
You don't know what You've asked.

I know that it hurts, He answered my heart
For your freedom and his, they ripped Me apart.
I purchased forgiveness for you and for him
You cannot receive it and refuse to forgive.

Give this to Me, I'll take it forever
You cannot love Me and hold on to this too.
I understand what you've been through.
I suffered with you.

I'll teach you the meaning of love that is true
Follow Me.
Lay down your heart on the altar for Me.
And I will be faithful
to love you forever.

Te adora semper et semper...









Note:  A poem about the breaking that happens when we Follow Jesus.  Especially, in the command to forgive when the pain is great, the wounds are deep and seem to be unforgivable.  I am always amazed at those who dismiss the Bible, as if it is irrelevant in today's world.  Looking at this subject alone, tells me how relevant it is to my life and yours.
I cannot follow His commands on my own - can you?
It is only by His grace and His mercy that I am able to stand at all, on the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  Without it, I would never obey a single thing He calls me to.
With it, that is a different story altogether...

Wishing you the grace of God to follow Him wherever He leads...

My Close, Close Friend...

 

Self Pity...

I am often met along the way by my good friend, Self Pity. He came to visit me last night and made himself welcome and so all at home, he almost moved right in! At first, I didn't even notice that he was there with me. He is so soft spoken and sweet to my ears, it is often hard to detect when he joins me at the Table of My Own Undoing.

He comes in discreetly, so as not to disturb my treasured thoughts and just observes with me the tragic events that have, once again, befallen poor me.  But, oh the sweet, sweet savor of the words he speaks to me, when at last he makes his presence felt! No-one, and I mean no-one, seems to understand me better or care as deeply as my good, dear friend, Self-Pity. How grateful I am for his companionship. How much I treasure the wisdom he extols. He seems to know just what to speak to me to make me feel better at those moments of despair!

 

Like me, poor Self-Pity is so often misunderstood. We share a common bond of this unfortunate experience between us. Perhaps that is why we have come to enjoy each other's company. After all, who else is there who will take the time to listen to the endless list of grievances that tell the story of our neglect and betrayal at the hands of those we thought we could trust?  I propose to you that there is simply no one able and willing to accomplish this work in my life as devotedly and faithfully as my dear, neglected friend, Self-Pity.

 

He loves me, he loves me, he loves me so! Well, at least he feels sorry for me, and that is almost as good as love, isn't it?! He wraps his arms around me and squeezes me so tight, I sometimes wonder if I might suffocate right on the spot!  He reminds me over and over again how much he, and he alone, understands me like no other!  Why just last night he was commiserating with me in my suffering.  "Once again," he whispered lovingly in my ear, "You have been abandoned in the hour of your need.  And the saddest part is, you have always been there for them, haven't you, dear?  Haven't you always loved them, cared for them, sacrificed for them, given them everything you have?"  "Yes," I answered, grateful for the compassion of my dear, faithful friend in this dark hour of my need.  His words were so comforting to the wounds that he was touching with his long, protruding fingers...Was there something he was rubbing in them, or was that my imagination?  Something white and salty?!


"Thank you for your understanding, Self-Pity" said I.  "No one else even cares.  I am so completely abandoned and all alone... I find it all so unfair.  After all I've done for them - all I've given of myself.  I don't deserve this. Why do you suppose this is happening to poor, poor me?" 

I was beginning to feel an icy wind blowing through my little abode, even though the sun was shining through the windows on my face. I wondered at how the sun could dare to enter into this moment of my despair.  He should be ashamed to shine his light on my face when I all I wanted was to stay in the darkness with my only friend, Self-Pity.  Was that too much to ask...?!

Undaunted by the invading sun, my dearest friend in all the world, Self-Pity, smiled his sympathetic smile and drew me closer still until I felt his breath upon my cheek. "Tell me more", he whispered. "It is I, your closest friend, come to comfort you in the dark, dark hour of your need. Like I have always told you, they don't deserve you, do they? You have been so good to them. So giving. So self-less. Why, you remind me of myself, sometimes! We give and give and give some more. And what do we get in return? A basket of heartache too heavy for anyone to bear. Life is simply so unfair, isn't it, dear?"  He was stroking my wounds now, faster and faster...

"Look at them, all wrapped up in themselves! It's disgusting, isn't it? Do they even give you a moment's thought? Do they care for you the way you care for them? Do they pray for you as you have prayed for them?"  Catching himself, suddenly, I saw a flash of terror streak across his face.  He tried to recapture the words he had uttered, but, as we all know, words flung carelessly to the wind fly away and land wherever they like, never to be recaptured.  

Startled at the mention of my oldest, dearest friend, Prayer, I fell on my knees in worship and gratitude to the God who hears my every prayer and knows my every need.  Tears rolled down my cheeks like rivers that would never stop until they washed me whiter than snow... 

Looking in the distance, over the heads of all the messengers that had surrounded me the moment I had prayed, I watched the scoundrel, Self-Pity, running for his life, naked and unmasked, screaming that he hated me after all, and was happy for all my misfortunes. 

I looked around at all the friends my Lord had sent to comfort me - my dear, true friends, Forgiveness, Mercy and Unending Grace. In their company, I found the gift of healing and danced with the Angels of Joy and Peace around the throne of the King, who knows me better than I know myself and loves me anyway...

"The Lord is my strength and my portion forever..." 
                                                             Psalm 73:26  NIV



 

 

 

 

Bend Low, My Little Sparrow...

“God resists the proud,
But gives grace to the humble.
Therefore, humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God,
That He may exalt you in due time,
Casting all your cares upon Him,
For He cares for you…”
1 Peter 5-7
NKJV



I am the Mighty Sparrow
Across the skies, I soar!
I greet the morning sunlight!
I open heaven’s door!

Gorgeous velvet brown and silken gray,
I’m beautiful, I know it, and I’m not afraid to say,
My beauty is spectacular, the envy of the day!
I am the very image of what beauty ought to be!
All the other birds I know wish they looked like me!

The biggest, plumpest worms are mine!
They crawl up to my royal seat upon the highest tree.
I love to see them wiggle their boneless little spines
And beg that they might be,
The one I choose for breakfast, for dinner or for tea!

I lived next door to a Cardinal once, poor ugly bird was he.
He was best friends with a Blue Jay and I am sad to say,
They hated who they were because they weren’t me!
When will all the other birds get it through their heads?
I am the best, the best there is, there is no one like me!

I laugh at the pathetic Peacock,
Feathers spread behind him, he’s strutting up and down.
He bears a striking image to a garish circus clown!
Join me in my laughter, come along with me!
You can be in my circle of those who worship me!

Please join me in my circle. It will just be you and me.
It’s just me surrounded by my mirrors, so I can check on me.
I don’t know why the other birds avoid me like they do.
I don’t know why they fly away. I don’t know why, do you?
Won’t you tell me what I’m doing wrong? Tell me, tell me true.

Can I tell you a secret?
Do you promise you won’t tell?
Sometimes I am so all alone,
I think that I’m in hell.

When I was just a baby bird, beneath my mother’s wing,
She loved to pull me close to her
And in my little baby ears, a lullaby she’d sing.
I can still hear her sweet, sweet voice
Singing over me...

Stay close to your Father, my baby, my love,
And always sing your song to Him, my little turtle dove,
Little bird, I love you,
and I thank the God who made you, and put you in my nest,
To be my little chickadee, nothing more and nothing less.

She said the Father fashioned me to be a little bird.
To sing the song He gave to me that no one has ever heard.
I am having trouble remembering the words and melody.
I haven’t sung to the Father in so long,
Will He remember me?

I think I’ve lost my way.  I think that I have sinned. 
Do you think that He'll forgive me?
Do you think He'll let me in?
But, I hear my mother’s tender song, singing over me.
“Bend low, my little sparrow.
You’ll find Him on your knees… “ 


 

 

Circles...

Circles swirl around my heart,

They speak to me of riches I have treasured in my life.

I squint to see you clearly and strain to hear you speak.

Do you carry something with you that are treasures I should keep?

Are you just an illusion, beautiful and fleeting -

A distraction, nothing more?

Or are you secrets I have stored away,

Seeping out of every pore?

I bear a message from Your God, He wants you to remember.

These are pictures of those you've loved and cherished.

Do you love them still?

Do you care that they might perish?

See the baby nursing at your breast? I made her just for Me.

All grown up now, all graduated and successful beyond measure,

She lives her life without the One she was made to treasure.

See the little boy sliding into home base,

Your pride and love for him is filling up your face.

A daddy now, he has a family of his own.

Life tries his every muscle, it tests him to the bone.

See that one you giggled with on a soft September day,

When you promised to love him always, as you gave your heart away?

He messed up, he screwed up, he failed to keep his word.

But, I forgave you just as much and I love him still today.

Circles all around me, memories good and bad.

Joyous, humbling moments, some of them priceless, some so very sad.

But in those circles I see you and I see me.

When the Master blows the trumpet, when it's all over here,

Will I see you in heaven? Where will you be?

Why do I see you in the circles of my life?

I thought you'd gone away.

Why do I still see you?

What are you trying to say?

Can it be that God gave you to me not just for the moment,

But for eternity?

Can it be that the Father's purpose is greater

Than anything I perceived?

He keeps you ever in my heart

Circling around me, reminding me of you.

Whispering, I haven't forgotten them,

And neither, My child, should you...

He calls me to continue the work that He began

So long ago, when we were young, when we didn't know His plan.

He planned for all of us to be together, no matter what happens here.

You and I are meant for heaven, He's made that very clear.

You belong to Him, before and after you belong to me.

Of all the wonders of His love, the dearest to me are here.

My children, my grandchildren, my first love and my last.

No matter what has happened, I thank Him for the past.

I pray we all will find His grace,

To forgive and be forgiven the sins we all must face.

To love, to laugh, to weep together at His throne.

What would heaven be to get there all alone?

No matter what life brings us,

I pray we will remember,

There's a heaven waiting for us

And I pray I'll see you there...

Looking back, I see you clearly in the circle of my heart,

No matter what it looks like, you will always be a part,

Of all that I count priceless, of all that I hold dear.

In the depth of my heart, He has worked a miracle and keeps you very near.

I pray that you won't treasure this life more than it deserves.

It's just a fleeting moment, it's over before it begins.

I pray you find the Savior that forgives us all our sins.

For there's a heaven waiting for us

And I pray I'll see you there...

When You Were Inside of Me...

When You Were Inside of Me...

How can it be that yesterday

The budding flower of you

Lay nestled and protected

Beneath my beating heart,

But today, you are no more?

Was it only a dream I had of you

Or was it really true?

Hidden inside of me,

Where no-one else could see.

Was it true you called me Mama

And I called you My Pet?

No bigger than a pencil point,

A tiny little miracle,

You began your life in me,

Not a blob of tissue, not some cells I could ignore,

How could I explain to others that you were so much more?

I loved you in the beginning, in the middle and in the end,

I stroked your cheek to keep you calm,

I counted your toes, I tickled your chin,

And cradled you in my arms,

When you were inside of me.

I read you stories and sang you songs

And bounced you on my knee.

I whispered your name in my sleep,

Your little face filled my dreams,

When you were inside of me.

Don't ask me to wake up this morning

How I hate this day,

Your screams and cries are all I hear.

There is no life within me.

They have stolen you away.

No, I will never be the same

No matter what they say,

You cannot be replaced.

You will never be forgotten.

For when they took you from me

They took away my heart.

Will you know me when I get to heaven

Will I know you, My Pet?

Does the sun rise in the morning

In the evening, does it set?

You, my darling baby,

I never will forget.

Do you search for me sometimes

Wondering where am I?

Does God our Father comfort you,

When you begin to cry?

Does your guardian angel read you stories

And bounce you on his knee?

Does he tell you how I loved you

When you were inside of me?

Will he hold you to the window

to watch and wait for me?

Will he tell you when I'm coming

Will he let you run to me?

Do you remember how I loved you

When you were inside of me...

Note:  This poem is an original work written by me and lovingly dedicated to the many women who have lost their babies through abortion and miscarriage and who will never be the same.  Also dedicated to my own little one, lost in the fifth month of pregnancy.

May God comfort and heal the many mothers (and grandmothers) who lost their babies before they ever got to hold them in their arms.  

Standing in the Need of Grace...

I reached for You when I was lonely,

Pushed You away when I was hurting.

I rejected who You are.

I screamed at You for leaving me alone and fearful for my life.

I blamed You for my screw-ups and all my failures too.

I kicked You when You touched me and rejected Your embrace.

I swore at You profanities, I decided You deserved.

I ran from You,

I hid from You.

I bartered You away.

I covered my eyes when You went by and looked the other way.

I mocked You.

I spat my hatred in Your face, every chance I got.

I ignored You, denied I ever knew You.

I worshiped other gods before You, stole Your glory for my own.

I cursed You for not loving me the way that I defined.

I heard You knocking at the door and locked it even tighter.

I covered my ears to keep from hearing You calling out my name.

I played religious games with You and thought You'd never see.

I so much wanted to hurt You for what they did to me.

Where were You Lord, when I was lost?

When those I loved ignored me, rejected and abused me?

Did you stand by and watch from a distance, enjoying all You saw?

Where were You, Lord? Where were You?

Did You love me then as now?

Did You see my heart was breaking -

I wonder, did You care?

I kicked at Him and screamed at Him

Until I couldn't fight Him anymore.

He followed me, He followed me,

He chased me everywhere.

He loved me, He loved me

He bled with me, He hurt with me,

He came inside my pain.

He washed my wounds and covered me

With love that never fails.

It never seemed to bother Him

That I rejected Him to choose instead my sin.

He covered me over with His love

He pulled me to Him constantly

And understood my need.

How desperate was my ache for Him

But I could not find a way,

To tell Him that I needed Him

I didn't know what to say...

He wrapped His arms around me.

He knew my need before I spoke.

He chased me down, He captured me,

He loved me anyway...

I wondered how it was

this God that I abhorred

Could ever have pursued me

or loved me anymore?

I am the one He rescued

When I didn't have a plea...

I will praise His name forever

That He loved someone like me...

Scripture Reference: Psalm 107:2    NKJV

“Let the Redeemed of the Lord say so...”

The Crazy Old Man...

As Thanksgiving approaches, I am thankful to God for my family, sometimes a little 'crazy', often blind to our own faults, while we see through a magnifying glass the faults of our brothers and sisters!  In the middle of passing the turkey, the mashed potatoes and the pumpkin pie, I mostly want to say, Thank You, Lord, for the family you gave me! Help us to imitate You and go a little crazy loving each other. Warts and all!

Here's another Jesus story (one of my favorites!) re-told. 

'The Crazy Old Man and His Two Kids'

I can't believe my eyes. He's  running down the road half crazed, absolutely not a shred of decency, in front of everyone.

Am I really the only sane one in the whole family? And not just sane but responsible? I wish I had the luxury of standing around morning and night peering down the road for a glimpse of that loser who breaks all the rules and gets away with it all.

No condemnation. No punishment. No acknowledgment of how good I've been - how hard I work. How much better I am than that good for nothing who comes crawling back in desperation. I stayed. I did it all right. I never gave that old man a moments worry. Ask anybody. They'll tell you. I'm the good one.

Most everyone tells me, my father is lucky to have me. He needs me. He couldn't keep it all going if it weren't for me. He needs to get down on his knees and thank me for all I've done for him. But look at the old fool. He's on the ground, weeping uncontrollably at the knees of this loser who has crawled back home with nothing to offer but his pathetic, sorry self.

You bet he's sorry. He knows what a loser he is. I can hardly stand the sight of him. He disgusts me. He's filthy. He smells. I wouldn't be surprised if he's been wallowing in the mud with the pigs. That's his speed. I was so glad when he left. He always embarrassed me. His friends. His selfishness. His greed. His insensitivity. His immaturity. His refusal to take responsibility for his behavior. I could go on and on, but, you get the picture - everyone does.

Thank God, I didn't turn out like that. Like I said - I'm the good one. Everyone knows that. Except my father. There's just no explaining Him. He actually loves the kid. I don't understand it at all. And I sure don't approve.

But, the whole thing makes me wonder... Do you think the old man loves me like that? Don't go getting the idea I'm jealous or anything. That would be ridiculous! It's just that I've never seen him so extravagantly, outrageously happy to see anyone come home than he is over this brother of mine. Said something about 'he was lost and now he's been found'. Yippee. Did he even notice that I've never been lost? I didn't need to be found.

Just one thing, though. Don't know why I feel so dead inside. After all - I did it all right. Didn't I...?

Scripture reference: Luke 15:20  NKJV

"...But when he was yet a great distance afar, the Father saw him and had compassion on him..."